I woke up late and hit an ungodly ammount of traffic. So I was late, and felt stupid. I figured out a shortcut, though, so I can avoid 95 to work, at least partially. When I got to work I dumped crown cementing powder all over (including all over myself). My tire is flat. I left my window open when I went back into work from lunch, figuring that I would air my car out (the AC is broken). It was sunny at 2 when I got back from lunch. At 3, it rained. I went out to close the window and got soggy. I’m tired.

Sympathy is appreciated.

One more thing before I sleep… Garden State is an amazing movie. Amazing.

So after working Monday and Tuesday, I had two days off, which I spent almost exclusively with Robert. We putzed around a lot (ah, we did something productive; we painted shelves for his apartment). Emily and I are looking at the apartment above Sarah’s. We thought about it a while ago, but then I never moved on it, and it’s still open. I’m going to try to talk the landlord down in rent because with the price of gas (which heats this particular apartment), $1000 a month is going to be steep. If I can, then I am a super cool bargainer.

I like my new job, everyone is super nice, so maybe I’ll deal with less bullshit than before.

I went to dinner with my father, and by father I mean Toby which was interesting. His girlfriend of 17 years broke up with him, and I felt bad for him. He was kind of distraut. It doesn’t get easier, apparently, as he is 57 years old and still upset his girlfriend and he have split. Hopefully they’ll get back together.

In other “old people in love” news, Grandma and Joe are in the kitchen. He took my parking spot the other day, and he grills on the grill. It irritates me. I’m sort of used to being the “man of the house”. It’s bizzare the way I feel.

Try not to second-guess yourself. If you second-guess yourself, keep it quiet and maintain a confident exterior.

Lick everything. Stick your nose in everything.

Be above the current situation.

The world is not so inflexible as it seems on the outside. Press it, poke it, and figure out where it gives to suit your needs.

Keep your own secrets.

Be completely trustable.

Figure out how to be the best, and then do it. Make sure people notice, but don’t be a brag.

Look smart.

Understand everything.

This is a list of random thoughts that came into my head today while working. Yes, I took the time to write them down…I did at lunch.

New makeup came in the mail today. I was excited.

I’m off to work in half an hour… back to drinking coffee out of my travel mug. I hate drinking coffee out of my travel mug.

This time, while having a full time job, I will attempt to keep my soul intact. The last time it kind of blew apart in bits and I stayed. Worst mistake ever. I did what I thought I had to, though. To soulful employment!

“Fine.”

It’s my official answer to “How was your first day of work?”. That’s all I’m saying about it.

I spent way too much makeup on money last night. Mostly because I need it for Saturday; Patrick is FINALLY making a movie (!!!) and I’m key makeup artist. Woot. Actually, it was some stuff I needed that I’ve been dying to get.

I drove up to the M.A.C. store in Hartford (Ok, I didn’t actually drive, Robert drove me). I made friends with, and picked the brain of David, the sales clerk. He was… interesting. Lots of orange/red eyeshadow, and his wrist seemed to be broken. He called me “girl” a lot. Rob refused to come in on the grounds that David was “more than enough man” for one store. I attacked poor Grandma with my eyeshadows this afternoon… she came out looking like a whore. I toned it down eventually so she can be seen in public.

Hello. My name is Amber. I am an Ikea-holic. It has been a mere few hours since my last visit to Ikea, and my third one this week. I have purchased things on all three trips.

Jen needed to go! It wasn’t my fault! I was just being a good friend. I even helped her assemble!

Anyway…

I was saying to her today that I think we did a pretty good job of getting to be twenty-two. When I was in highschool, I didn’t think about 22 as a possibility. Logically I knew 22 (and beyond) existed, but I didn’t consider it at all. Jen says it’s because in high school, people tend to focus on the “now” so intently they don’t consider the future so much. I think she’s right.

I can vividly remember the visceral thrill of finishing the last final of eleventh grade and realizing I was the most upper of upperclassmen: I was a Senior. I found Jen in the hall clutched her arm as I said it, “We’re Seniors.” What a cool moment. It was such a big deal.

That was five years ago. It seems so long ago, and then, it really was ONLY five years ago. A lot and almost nothing has changed. A war has been fought, pop culture has changed, there was a wedding, virginity was lost, relationships have begun and ended, complications have been had, life changing trips were taken, illnesses were discovered, education was obtained, lessons were learned, accidents were had, there were rough transitions, nights spent crying because “the world was ending”, nights spent laughing because everything was perfect, hair was cut ( ! ), SO much. I think Jen is the ONE thing that hasn’t changed in my life in years… except of course she has, but in the best ways. So this one is for Jen. Thanks for being consistent… and awesome.

P.S. I got in trouble for not saying how wonderful her wedding was… Jen’s wedding was the wedding to end all weddings. It was fantabulous. Seriously. And her makeup came out totally beautiful.

Grandma and I Ikea’ed today and I bought a big floor lamp thing. It stands 5’3. Check it out: STORM Floor Lamp. I just set it up, and Grandma happened to have the right bulbs for it. It’s freakin’ GORGEOUS in my room. I love love LOVE it. Now I want to clean my room! Well… maybe later.

So every woman has “the list”. It’s the list of traits that are acceptable and unacceptable in a man. I don’t know if every woman has written them down, though.

I started writing them down a long time ago, on bits of paper, a thought here, a thought there. Some “criteria” on the list came from my own head and heart and some were born from experiences. I’ve had them scattered all over, in files, in couch cushions, in abandoned journals. These past few weeks I’ve been gathering them together, and I think I just about have it. So here, for the first time, are all the bits of paper, backs of envelopes, notebook pages and some new thoughts as well, all put in one place. I’ll be updating. Keep in mind, this is MY “Perfect” man, not everyone’s.

The “Perfect” Man

The “Perfect” man remembers birthdays and other special occasions, and gives thoughtful gifts. Not just to me, but to his family and friends. He realizes a good present is one that comes from the heart and is not necessarily expensive, but IS well thought out. He sends me occasional flowers “just because”.

Of course, he will not be a Republican.

Trivial annoyances will not bother the “Perfect” man. If he is cut off in traffic, or someone is clumsy and spills, he will handle it with grace, realizing that it is not too important, and a waste of energy and soul to care very much about.

He should manage money well, and live a good life within his means. He should have a savings account that he contributes to regularly. He will realize that credit is a valuable tool, and not abuse it, creating debt. If he is not already, he should be seeking to establish himself independently of his parents.

The “Perfect” man looks to the soul to seek beauty in others. He assumes that all people are, at the very least, good until they prove themselves otherwise (instead of waiting for people to “prove themselves” and “earning the right to be respected”). He treats everyone with dignity and respect, regardless of how THEY treat HIM. He is not a doormat to unkind people, but he is humble and kind and patient when people are being jerks, assholes, meanies, etc.

He does not harbor contempt for any group of people, such as people of a certain ethnic group, sexual orientation, mental competency level, income, etc. He recognizes that every individual has their own unique place in this world, with their own unique story.

He doesn’t smoke.

The “Perfect” man is vehemently against violence towards women and children. His temper is in check and he rarely yells in anger. He will not raise a fist or a hand to anyone, except in defending himself or those who cannot defend themselves.

While the “Perfect” man is a lot of fun, he is wise. His definition of fun does not include anything that is unnecessarily unsafe. If he must ride on roller coasters, it’s alright, although I certainly won’t be joining him on them! He remembers his seatbelt and never drives if he’s had too much to drink.

Thoughtful, kind words spoken when appropriate are the hallmark of a great man. The “Perfect” man will know the polite and proper thing to say in most situations, and have the good sense to keep his mouth shut when he doesn’t.

He will vote. Always.

Although I do not think it is necessary for the “Perfect” man to have a fabulous career in motion, he should have direction. He should be able to recognize what he likes and does not like to do for a living, and actively seeking to establish himself. It is not necessary for him to make lots of money or have a glamorous job, but it should be a career that he enjoys and goes to happily each day.

He should constantly seek to improve himself. Recognizing that everyone can be better, the “Perfect” man will look for areas of weakness in himself and strengthen them. He should not be obsessed with this.

He should want children, and not be afraid of having a large (4+) family, since I want to have more than the usual “two, maybe three”. He should be prepared to be the bread-winner, as I intend to stay home with them when they are small, and possibly when they are older, so I can homeschool them if we feel it would be the best way to meet their needs.

I do not hold any strong religious beliefs and do not intend to raise my children to hold any strong religious beliefs. I don’t participate in organized religion, but I do believe in God. The “Perfect” man will feel the same.

He will dance! Not necessarily well, but he should dance at weddings and parties. No Mr. Wallflower. If he isn’t a fast dancer, it’s alright, but I want to be romantically moved across the dance floor during the slow numbers. (If he does “boogie”, even if it‘s terrible, in a “devil may care“ sort of way, all the better!)

No mind games. The “Perfect” man is a strong man, and confident. He will be man enough to say what is exactly on his mind and not try to “sugar coat” it, although he will remain, always, entirely diplomatic and kind in the midst of conflict. He will not fight, but WILL be willing to argue his side of an issue. He will listen to my side and together we will make a resolution. He should not be unwilling to change his mind when I’m right, nor should he bend to my will when I’m wrong, just to end the conflict. He will not ignore problems, and will be loathe to let an issue go unresolved. In the very worst of conflicts, he will remain loving, as will I.

He should cry seldom and unashamedly.

He will be kind and affectionate. There will be frequent hugs and cuddling, and kisses. He will not have a problem with (appropriate) public displays of affection, but will be, instead, proud to have me on his arm.

Because the “Perfect” man believes that women are beautiful creatures to be celebrated and respected, he will not have a pornography habit*. I do not object to occasional “normal” porn, but a habit of viewing porn involving people in lewd poses doing “unnatural” things is not ok.

Drugs are unacceptable. Pot included. Not occasionally, not once a year. Never.

Alcohol is alright, but public drunkenness is not. The “Perfect” man doesn’t stay at the bar all night getting drunk and rowdy, making a nuisance out of himself and drinking to the point that he is unable to safely get himself home. Preferably, he is not “dry”, either.

Ideally, he will be close to his family. I am aware that even the “Perfect” man cannot control the actions of his family members, but he should believe that peace is important, and make every effort on his part to have peace in his family.

The “Perfect” man is a dog person. Cats piss me off.

He should not mind if I burst into song in public; in fact he won’t mind any of my weird habits including (but certainly not limited to) dancing in parking lots, making friendly jokes with strangers, being awe-struck by the night sky and certain works of art, considering hurt birds a minor emergency, being unwilling to “squish” spiders or other creepy things because I believe they have a right to live, and crying during movies. Extra points if he joins me in any of these.

The “Perfect” man wears boxers (or boxer briefs), never “tighty-whiteys”.

He should want to go out, sometimes, and want to stay in, sometimes. If a guy is constantly needing to be “on the go” he is proving himself to be immature and unsettled, and if he is unwilling to venture out, he is proving himself to be insecure. The “Perfect” man is none of these.

He will appreciate lady-likeness. I am not the sort of woman who needs to be constantly dressed to the nines, but I like to look nice, and I would appreciate the compliments when I do. If the “Perfect” man’s entertainment comes from watching silly sports like football, wrestling, or some other “sport”, I will not object at all, but will not participate. He will probably not be the sort of man who likes to shop, so for that I have girlfriends. Also, although I certainly am capable of doing so, I would rather not have to change the flat tire.

The “Perfect” man, above all else, will never give me a reason to doubt him. He will make me feel safe, loved, respected and secure. In turn, I will love him completely, and give him the same. He will realize that he cannot, in fact, be Perfect, but will try each day to be as great a man as possible.

I will, I fear, never be married.

* By habit, I mean what Webster is talking about when he says this: “a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior“ “a behavior pattern acquired by frequent repetition or physiologic exposure that shows itself in regularity or increased facility of performance“ “an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary“.

I have a job. I think. The hired me to do some part time on a trial basis, and then I start for real in September. I have to call on Monday to hammer out all the details, but I have my part time schedule for now. I want health insurance to start.

I saw a meteor shower last night. Gorgeous.

Mom and I shall Ikea later.