To the ass who stole my lawn mower,
Fuck you. I don’t say that very often because I’m a pretty nice lady, but you? You deserve it. In fact: fuck you twice.
I love this lawnmower. Love. I love how quiet it is, making me not just another suburban douchebag trimming my lawn with an unnecessarily loud, ozone-destroying machine. I love the cheerful green and orange color scheme it’s rocking. I love the “WEE-doo-doo! WEE-doo-doo!” of the wheels turning on it, and I even love the difficulty of using it; it’s a great workout.
Right after the lawyer gave Rob and me the keys our very first house, we walked through the front door had sex on the living room floor, and then we bought this lawn mower. It was a hell of a day. Way to ruin a memory.
I hope it cuts you and you need stitches, and that on the drive to the ER, it goes from 11:59 to midnight and your insurance lapses. I hope you never quite get the hang of using it and curse the day you stole it, or that, if you sell it, you get a really horrible deal.
May it kick up pebbles and fling them into your shins.
May you drunkenly trip over it and face-plant into a pile of wet grass clippings.
May it rust in your hands practically overnight.
You are a low-rent son of a bitch, and I hate you.
Amber
not to laugh at your pain and strife… but that post was hilarious. also.. next time i want to write a strongly worded letter to someone… i’m hiring you.
tapps
3 Dec 08 at 10:55 am
i hope this person reads this post then starts having all these things happen to them… then they return it with an apology letter… ahh one can only hope
martin beran
3 Dec 08 at 10:56 am
Amber, I hope you get your lawnmower back. What a bummer!
Rosy
3 Dec 08 at 11:03 am
LOL. You’re so right. Only a total douche would steal such a lovely mower.
p.s. love that you initiated your house
Brad
3 Dec 08 at 11:35 am
People suck sometimes!
Skyzi
3 Dec 08 at 12:05 pm
Amber, I am sorry for your lawnmower’s theft. This is the suck. You do, however, own a home. I still rent in Queens. Rob knows how this hurts my heart.
Hopefully, your lawnmower will reappear, as it looks totally bitching.
Shawn M. Smith
3 Dec 08 at 3:45 pm
I’m sure you both have been looking quite shifty eyed at other people’s (some of your neighbors) mowers now. Time for RFID chips on everything!
Michael J. Carrasquillo
3 Dec 08 at 4:01 pm
That’s the most hateful post I’ve read in a long time. I always knew you had it in you!
Where was the lawnmower?
G.
3 Dec 08 at 6:03 pm
oh, and, yeah… you’re not in Kansas anymore. It’s Brooklyn (I’m not hatin’. I lived in Queens, remember? We had cars stolen/broken into in front of our apartment, in daylight!). So, there will probably something else stolen from you in the future… Just a warning.
G.
3 Dec 08 at 6:05 pm
this was stolen right out of our yard… in Trumbull! Connecticut! But we’re right across the street from Bridgeport >:(
amber
3 Dec 08 at 6:23 pm
Maybe your lawnmower is on a world tour, like the gnome in Amelie, and you’ll get polaroids in the mail from exciting places it’s visiting. You’ll get pictures with it’s arm around a Frenchman in front of the Eiffel Tower, shaking hands with a farmer in Iowa, and wearing a parka giving a ‘thumbs-up’ in Greenland.
I’m sorry some a**hole stole your mower.
Rob Gokee
3 Dec 08 at 8:56 pm
Here I am thinking “oh, it’s Brooklyn – things like that happen every other day to every other person”. But Trumbull??? That blows, man. Sure, you’re across the street from Bridgeport but the cops are RIGHT THERE too! Some balls of the person who took it.
Did you ask your suspect-lookin’ neighbor if they saw someone “borrow” it?
G.
4 Dec 08 at 10:59 pm
This simultaneously tickled my funny bone and raise my ire. Gah, that sucks! Obscenity well-warranted in this case, I think. So sorry for the rape of the lawnmower.
Katie
4 Dec 08 at 11:51 pm
You write the best letters ever.
The Other Amber
5 Dec 08 at 12:09 am