Allow me to introduce you to my most perplexing first-world problem to date: my last name.
I was born five months after a “shot gun wedding”. The marriage ended before I cut my first tooth, and my mother remarried when I was five. I got a half-brother from that union shortly thereafter, and the four of us lived together for my entire childhood, those three with one last name, and me with my father’s. When I was eleven, he stopped coming to see me, leaving me feeling utterly abandoned, but at age sixteen I was legally adopted by my mother’s husband. Four people under one roof with the same surname at last. I was back to having “a real dad”.
Four years after the adoption, I was thrown out of the house, and for the second time in my life, I felt abandoned. If you’re counting, that’s three parents that let me way down, all by the age of 20.
I considered changing my last name then, to reflect my new loner status, something all my own (I believe “Tree” was in the running!) That never actually happened because I hadn’t yet learned the “follow your gut, haters be damned” mantra I have now. I knew it applied to small things, but this seemed too big to rock the boat with. Oh regret.
We made up, sort of, so then it was fine to have their last name again, and in between that time and now, I got married. Somewhere after my wedding, I realized that I don’t speak to either my mother or my step-turned-adoptive dad anymore, all of a sudden. I’d stopped talking to my mother when I realized my mental health depended on it, and consequently my step-turned-adoptive dad (who divorced my mother a year-ish before my wedding) stopped speaking to me, too, by ignoring me at extended family functions and not returning my phone calls. Then Rob and I stopped being invited to extended family functions altogether.
The last I heard from him was a phone call a few months ago. I stepped off a plane, slid my phone out of “airplane mode”, and was delighted to see that he left me a voicemail while I was in the air. He’d remembered my birthday! It was a few days late. But, you know, whatever! I was loved! He remembered! He reached out!
The message he left was deadpan and miserable, obviously coerced by my mother, inviting me to a birthday party they were throwing together for my brother. No “Happy Birthday”, no “Hello I miss you.” Just a mumbled, un-heartfelt invitation to someone else’s birthday celebration, an invitation that anyone with two brain cells to hold together would know that I wasn’t going to accept. I happened to be in O’Hare when the message came, and cried all the way from Chicago to New York.
I can’t get a good answer out of anyone in my extended family as to what happened. I imagine he put in a request to have me not invited to family get-togethers anymore, and everyone listened. Or maybe they don’t like me because I voted for Obama, or am not their religion, or something. No idea, about any of it. It hurts.
When I got married, I opted not to change my name. It was fine then, but two years later, it feels more like a burden what with everyone else who has my last name not talking to me. It also feels a bit lonely.
If you haven’t picked up by now, I love my husband. A lot. As in, “to the ends of the earth, forever and ever”. I think sharing a last name with him would be pretty cool. It seems weird to change it now, though, you know?
So, I have arrived at an crossroads, one that would be easier for me to ignore if were not for the possibility of children in the future.
We can do a few things:
Deal with not having the same last name as my husband, and saddle the kids with a hyphenated last name.
I’m not that keen on doing that, though, because what if I have a daughter who doesn’t want to change her last name when she gets married? Then what about her kids? What if I have a son who wants to do a combo of his last name and his wife’s (or his husband’s)? What about their kids? And do I want to pass on the last name of someone who doesn’t care for me anymore?
Deal with not having the same last name as my husband, and give the kids his last name.
This seems to be a popular option when the parents aren’t married or don’t have the same last name (especially when the child is a boy). BUT, there is NO WAY IN HELL I’m going to do this. I understand why other people do this, but given my previous experience with the loneliness of not having the same last name of every other member of my immediate family, I’m not going to purposefully do that to myself again.
Everybody hyphenates: me, Rob, and the kiddos.
Rob and I discussed this, but he’s pretty established in his last name professionally, and changing it now would be a logistical nightmare.
We change our last names to something completely different.
This was my first choice, but in addition to the consideration above, we’re super close to Rob’s family, and I don’t see that changing. He didn’t want to change his name 100% away from theirs, and I respect that.
I can suck it up and change my last name to Blatt. Obviously, the kiddos would then be Blatts, too.
This seems like the most logical option, but one I can’t quite stomach yet. I don’t like the way it sounds with Amber, and there is a certain level of self-identity I have in being “a married woman who kept her last name”. I’d love to downplay that because I think it’s genuinely corny, but if I’m being really honest with myself, I can’t ignore it.
If you read this far, thank you. If you want to leave your two cents, go ahead. I’m open to suggestions, because I really feel like I’m stuck. It’s a tricky situation, and one that is going to be awkward no matter how I slice it.
Yeeeaahhh. I legally have two last names- maiden and first marriage. The judge and my ex-husband decided for me that I should keep it as I didn’t show up. Thanks guys!
So I have Wolfson from marriage, and my fiance’s surname is Stephens. (I am delaying marriage due to unfinished financial business left from the ex. How romantic, huh?) So when we decided to have a child (out of wedlock- gasp!) I was faced with the question of what her last would name be.
A coworker suggested blending our last names. She thought for a second and then said “Steppenwolf!” hahaha.
Yeah, she got his last name.
Mary
8 May 09 at 12:22 am
I wanted to keep my last name, but I changed my mind immediately after the wedding. Something about being on my honeymoon and having everyone address me as ‘Mrs. Strocel’ and actually finding it more sweet and less horrible than I thought it would be. So THEN I decided to use my maiden name professionally, and my married name personally.
It so didn’t work, because I couldn’t even remember what my name was after a while. I would start to introduce myself and draw a blank. Which really leads people to look at you funny, if you’re wondering. After a while I gave in and just took my husband’s name all the time. And so of course our kids have it, too. It does simplify things, having a single family surname, for sure.
I don’t particularly love my married name. No one knows how to pronounce it, it’s later in the alphabet which bugs me for some reason, plus ‘S’ is the most common initial for a surname which also bothers me. But putting all that aside, after I used it for a while I didn’t care anymore. I think that ‘Amber Strocel’ just sounded weird at first because I wasn’t used to it. Once I became used to it, it was cool.
AmberS
8 May 09 at 2:14 am
This is just my opinion, and I won’t be offended if you don’t listen to or agree with me. I, for one, am not all that attached to my last name, but I know some women feel differently. I am lucky in that I really love my parents, who in turn still really love each other after all these years, and the family they created gave me this name. But when I get married, I begin a new family, carrying on with my husband’s name. Call me old fashioned, but it’s what I look forward to.
I haven’t been reading your blog very long, but in the short time I have, I can tell you love Rob a lot and he loves you. Yesterday, he cleaned up a mess he didn’t make because you needed him to, and then he held your hand while you were sick. That’s love, and that’s family. I think that you should change your name to Blatt, and have it become a building block for the family you have begun with him. And I think Amber Blatt sounds nice, you’re just too used to what you have.
Judy
8 May 09 at 2:52 am
i kept my name when i got married, nearly 19 years ago, and i’ve never regretted it for an instant. i am close to my parents and proud of my family name (even as a ten year old, i knew i’d never give it up!), and i’m uncomfortable with what “taking your husband’s name” symbolizes, as is my husband. we have two kids, and they have my husband’s last name, with mine as their middle name. both of them tend to vary between using their real (legal) last name and writing it as a hyphenated double last name. my son prefers my last name and contemplates changing his name some day (he’s 12). i know a family with two kids, the oldest of which has his father’s last name, and the younger her mother’s. i also like the idea of creating an entirely new name for both halves of the couple! my sister-in-law changed her last name when she married my brother, mostly because of her complicated relationship with her own father, and the fact that she felt more a part of our extended family than her own. that really opened my eyes to women’s different reasons for keeping/changing their names. i’m sure this is all entirely unhelpful to you, but i really hope you settle on something that makes you feel happy and comfortable!!
liz
8 May 09 at 6:44 am
Amber Blatt has such lovely alliteration. That said, you’ve always tried to make choices that are right for you and the people you love. Give it some more time and a little more thought, and I’m sure the right thing for you to do will present itself without question.
THAT said, if your current name holds a certain identity for you, what is that identity? Is it something you want to hold on to? Are the important parts of it something you can bring with you if you take on another name? If so, it might be time to leave all the negative connotations behind and move on with the beautiful life you’ve created for yourself out of a totally crap situation.
I WILL NOT, however, call you Amber Tree. Just sayin’.
Jen
8 May 09 at 7:03 am
“And do I want to pass on the last name of someone who doesn’t care for me anymore?”
That bit there… That’s the best argument for changing your name. Change it. I think Amber Blatt sounds just fine.
Chaz
8 May 09 at 7:11 am
I personally think you should go with Amber Pumpernicklelydoo. It has a better ring than “Tree”.
G.
8 May 09 at 7:34 am
i know a family where the mother kept her name and when they had children they took his and her name and re-arranged the names to create a whole different name… so it isn’t hyphenated but still a mix of the two names….
i agree, however, with everyone else- amber blatt sounds nice!
Rachel cooper
8 May 09 at 7:36 am
hey babes. so, love the title of your post. i actually started singing it out loud at work!
so, i kinda have a similar situation minus the being married thing. i have my dads last name…i’ve never met the bloke, unless you count standing in front of him at the grocery store and not knowing it was him or the time he stormed past me on the way to his car cursing my grandma for inviting me to his garage cause “he wanted to meet me”. thanks grandma.
basically my dad left me and my mom went i was so a few months old. yea. great guy; he’s onto wife # 4 or 5. i can’t keep track anymore.
i am going to ditch my last name; i have a pretty good relationship with all my other relative on my dads side, but the last name means jack to me…pretty much a daily reminder of how is broke us. oh and then when people refer to my mom as “Mrs Beal” yea, that just kinda sucks.
I would say ditch your last name; your only holding on to your past by keeping it and i know you have been struggling with this last name thing for awhile. scribble it on a little piece of paper and let it go.
or if you want to hang on to it, ditch your middle name and have your maiden name be your middle name and then take on robs last name as your last name. (that’s what the Italian’s do).
oh and tree would have been a pretty bad ass last name!
carissa
8 May 09 at 9:24 am
Oh man… I’m sorry to hear about how things went down with your family.
I agree that Amber Blatt sounds good.
But I also understand the whole married-woman-who-kept-her-name thing. I’ll probably be one of those, for a lot of reasons, but I don’t think I’ll hyphenate my kids’ names, because that’s just too complicated for my tastes. Remember that children come into this world pure; it’s not necessary to stress so much and saddle them with a family legacy that they know nothing of.
Kristan
8 May 09 at 10:06 am
Oh, and I think it’s becoming more common to make the mother’s maiden name a middle name for the kids, so you could consider that too, instead of hyphenating?
Kristan
8 May 09 at 10:07 am
yeah, this name thing is ass. I have my first ex husband’s last name, mostly because it sounded better with my name, and because I never really liked my maiden name. I never got around to changing my name when I got married the second time (even though he really really really really wanted me to, almost too much, it was creepy), fortunately, as that marriage lasted a whopping 5 months. So here I am still with this first ex husband’s last name. I keep it because it sounds good, and because it matches with *some* of my kids.
I adore your husband but I don’t adore his name, to be perfectly honest, and I don’t like how Amber sounds with Blatt. On the other hand, who gives a shit really? It will feel good I think to be a Blatt, and have a Blatt husband, and little Blatt kiddos. Dump the baggage of your step-turned-adoptive-dad, take his name, it isn’t too late at all.
xoxo
sarah
8 May 09 at 10:31 am
I’m a nonchanger myself — for reasons much like Rob’s. But in your case I’d say change it! Claim the family that you created, that you love and that loves and claims you back.
Scryptkeeper
8 May 09 at 10:34 am
hmmm… wow, I have a lot of thoughts on this.
1. I think it’s SUPER shitty that you feel so ostracized from your family, and truly I am sorry for that. Conversely, I think it’s SUPER awesome that you have so joyfully become part of the Blatt family. :]
2. If your attitude is, “suck it up and change my last name,” I cannot help but think that is clearly not the right choice for you.
3. When my mom was married to my father, she had a hyphenated last name. It never occurred to me that she didn’t have my name because she did, but she still had her own. However, it doesn’t necessarily seem that this would solve the problem of you not identifying with your given surname.
4. I kind of don’t like the way Amber Blatt sounds either — Why don’t you still change your last name to something completely different? I very much think that this is still a good and valid idea. That way if/when you do decided to give your children hyphenated last names, it’ll be something that you can proudly identify with and explain that your children are part of daddy and part of mommy.
najla
8 May 09 at 10:50 am
Ok, I made my decision almost a quarter century ago, and my maiden name (as you can see on Facebook) isn’t exactly poetic sounding, but the real reason I changed my name was because I wanted to share the same last name as my children, and to be honest I’m not a fan of hyphenated names at all.
Regardless, whatever last name your kids have, you will be know as Mrs. ThatLastName. I’ve seen it happen to countless friends who kept their maiden name but gave a hyphenated name or their husband’s name to the kids. Your identity will match your kids’ identities to people who know you thru them, no matter what it is legally.
Annie
8 May 09 at 10:50 am
My philosophy is do the simplest thing that can possibly work. Take your husbands last name, it’s best for the kids too. I mean, what’s going to happen when people with hyphenated names mary other hyphenated names and so on. Forms will all be too small and it will take forever to fill them out.
Clarence Westberg
8 May 09 at 11:37 am
So it looks like I am the only guy weighing in here… I would do the google/facebook search as another data point in making the decision. See witch name would be easier to own and not be confused with others. Also for the kids you could do like the previous president and use multiple middle names. And one last think to think about is the religious name how that will pass on, If I remember on of Rob’s sisters was a rabbi or something it may be worth a chat with her about how this works on the religious side…
Byron
8 May 09 at 11:43 am
My sister hyphenated her last name and I expect their kids will have his last name. I like that.
For the record though, I think Amber Blatt sounds just fine. It may take some time for people who know you to get used to it, but everyone will, including you. As a newcomer to the name, it sounds normal and good to me.
Brad
8 May 09 at 11:50 am
I DON’T think you should rush this decision. I know you have been considering the “right” last name for a long time. I know the reasons that you initially decided to keep your last name when married (all valid). I think, in light of the importance that your last name has for you, you should make the decision to change it ONLY when you are confident in that decision.
That having been said… Last names tie you to family. It is clear that Rob is your family. He has chosen to be your family, and his family has in many ways become your family. I don’t think the sound of a name is really string argument one direction or another (unless it is REALLY bad, which Amber Blatt is NOT). As far as the modern, independent woman thing… I get that. But at the same time, you can be (and are) a very independent woman, no matter whaat your last name is. But Amber Tree just makes you sound like a hippie!
Stu!
8 May 09 at 12:04 pm
We did things sort of conventionally. I was not going to have Cook removed from my name legally. My family is too important to me and a huge part of my life, so I changed my last name to Curtis but kept Cook. Don legally had his named and added Cook. Both kids have 4 names the last two of which are Cook Curtis. Professionally I use Cook Curtis no hyphen. I think hypenated names are silly.
People will call you by the name you introduce yourself as regardless of your legal name. And then when you have kids you’ll be referred to as”so and so’s” mom.
Sarah
8 May 09 at 1:20 pm
First amber let me start off by saying I love you very much. You are not only my favorite cousin but the only cousin that has ever been true to me.
I am in tears because I can feel your pain having been there. We too are no longer invited to the S- events. It does hurt, but life has to go on. Amber Blatt sounds great to me. I couldn’t wait to dump S- so that I could drop the hurt and take MOngillo which is filled with love.
You deserve the very best because you are an awesome person. It is so hard but try to drop the hurt and join the life of love.
I am always here for you no matter what.
We love you….the mongillo family
Lynn Mongillo
8 May 09 at 4:29 pm
or…would rob consider changing his name? you guys could both pick a new one together! i say this because while i think “amber blatt” is more than fine, as is “rob blatt,” it’s HIS name that doesn’t quite roll off the tongue easily (those two b’s nestled up together like that, they’re tricky). i’m kind of just joking, but i don’t think you should rule out that option. i sort of wish that would become the new tradition – a new family, a new union, a new name. with some connection to the family of your birth (middle name?) if you choose to keep one.
- that’s my first choice, but he ruled it out. He loves his name (I agree about the “bumpy” name of his. Even his proper name is bumpy; we both have that “-ber” in there that makes it awkward.)
liz
8 May 09 at 6:34 pm
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Chaz’s Lifestream » Blog Archive » Daily Digest for 2009-05-08
9 May 09 at 4:45 am
Just for the record I grew up with a hyphenated last name, and it was never a hassle. It was unique, and I loved it so much that when I got married, I kept it going!
Hyphenated names are great! Jackie Kennedy-Onassis, Courtney Cox-Arquette, The Jolie-Pitts, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Hillary Rodham Clinton! I love these names!
Holly
9 May 09 at 1:44 pm
I struggled with this also. In the end I dropped the middle name I was given at birth, made my maiden name my new middle name, and took my husband’s last name. It’s been a little more than a year now, and to be perfectly honest, I still don’t know if I think I did the right thing for me. I feel guilty about dropping the middle name I was given at birth… and I’ve actually been considering changing my name AGAIN… by changing my middle name back to what it was to begin with and dropping my maiden name entirely. Ugh. So… I guess what I’m saying is, whatever you do, make sure you’re truly happy with it. And for the record, I think Amber Blatt sounds nice.
The Other Amber
9 May 09 at 11:09 pm