Yes! Gift guide time! I’m stoked for your ideas, Amber. I’ve never really been able to get a handle on the holidays, so maybe you’ll be able to help me.

Last year, I considered writing a gift guide based on my personal wish list (title idea: “A Stimulus Plan That Works”). I circulated a URL to early draft, which friends described as “troublingly egocentric”, “tacky”, and “capable of destroying the holiday spirit”. Others were worried and perplexed by the way it vigorously defeated their pop-up blockers and malware filters.

No one seemed to care that I framed the whole thing in the context of the modern American holidays, or “spendidays” as I hilariously called them. It was clear that the war on Christmas was in full effect, and my friends’ holiday cheer took collateral damage.

Succumbing to the pleas made by loved ones (and my web hosting provider), I opted not to publish the list on my blog. Instead, I emailed it directly to friends and family members, marked “URGENT”. To further ensure a high open rate, I used the subject line, “Tragic news. Please read.”

Once opened, the first line was designed to alleviate any possible panic incurred by the subject. (“Ho ho ho! Just kidding!”) It was exactly the kind of life-affirming brush with imaginary tragedy that would (hopefully) send people into spending frenzies of gratitude. A bold, green and red headline presented a joyous list of respectably-priced gift items available for perusal and purchase. It also doubled as my Christmas card last year.

In retrospect, I can sort of see how it might have been misinterpreted as “classless” or containing “a grotesque amount of profanity”. My expert marketing decision on the subject line was criticized as “upsetting to you mother”. Others complained about “the worrisome amount” of pornography on my list.

Invitations to friends’ holiday parties were withdrawn. Things were said that couldn’t be taken back. Taillights were allegedly smashed. Drunken phone calls were supposedly made. Restraining orders were definitely served.

So the whole thing ended up being a big fat disaster, just like every year. I didn’t get a single thing from my list. Instead, I found out that they sell coal on Amazon. Did you know that? Neither did I. Lesson learned!

This year, I’ll tweet my list.

I’m speechless!

I think I might give up blogging and become a full-time commenter, at least for the holidays. It’ll be my gift to the Internet.

Go ahead! Although I like your blog. In fact, the leather bag you posted about is in the wings.

I am obsessed with that bag! I went so far as to tell everybody to get me Saddleback Leather gift certificates instead of presents, and I could put them all together and purchase a bag. But they didn’t listen. They just told me to get out of their houses before they called the cops.

My neighbors are SO weird.