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In Which I Cry

I’m a skeptic. In my dating profile it said, “I don’t believe in anything that doesn’t hold up to scientific testing, and I don’t pray.” I intentionally, consciously don’t remember what my “sign” is whenever anyone tells me, and any talk of ghosts, gods, signs, chakras, or “energy” gets a hard stop.

And yet, there is a girl.

I met her a little over a year ago, and then more recently we connected in a group of larger friends; she’s smart, she’s fun, I probably have a crush on her, and she does “readings” for people.

So, whatever. I’ll try anything once.

SI go. She has crystals on the her coffee, and a burning piece of wood that adds a heady smell to her tiny living room, and a Tibetan singing bowl, and we meditate, and she takes my hands, and I cry immediately at this, because WHO takes anyone’s hands any more? Ever? No one.

A lot happens, but the most powerful thing is she addresses the walls that I clearly have, wherein I let people in, but not all the way, because I’ve been abandoned and have Issues. And how I take certain things as a matter of course instead of deeply feeling them. I’m uptight! Which is not how I feel, but yes, I do hold myself super centered and rigid, of course I do. I’m terrified of making mistakes.

And then she kind of was able to feel how I feel, and it made her cry. So then I cried because I made her cry, and later I apologised, and she said not to, that I was worth seeing fully, and she hugged me, and so now I’m in love. And maybe less of a skeptic – maybe and just a little – and working on relaxing, but I don’t even know how to do that.

So then I go to therapy, and my therapist is like YES. SEE? And a million things click together. Like how I’ve had to be my own parent, because I have had three parents THREE and they’ve all let me down, even though I talk to my dad now and he’s fine as long as I don’t expect anything from him. But then I’ve been hard on myself. Too strict.

So now to strike a balance, and be okay with crying which was NEVER an okay thing to do in front of my mother, so I learned to not do it ever, and I’m exhausted.

2 Comments

  1. Judy P.

    7 June 2018 at 1:07 pm

    I know we have never actually met, but I love you. Thank you for sharing this.

  2. Lucinda Maddera

    29 June 2018 at 3:18 pm

    I completely relate to all of this. I gave myself a headache from rolling my eyes so many times in yoga teacher training when we started talking about auras and chakras (though I have seen evidence of chakras, they make a pendulum spin). But all the hoodoo stuff, I have a hard time wrapping my scientific brain around. I am also too hard on myself. We should remind each other of all the things we have done, the things we have accomplished and how we deserve to relax. You started and are running a successful business. You more than deserve to relax a little.

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