In Which I Cry
I’m a skeptic. In my dating profile it said, “I don’t believe in anything that doesn’t hold up to scientific testing, and I don’t pray.” I intentionally, consciously don’t remember what my “sign” is whenever anyone tells me, and any talk of ghosts, gods, signs, chakras, or “energy” gets a hard stop.
And yet, there is a girl.
I met her a little over a year ago, and then more recently we connected in a group of larger friends; she’s smart, she’s fun, I probably have a crush on her, and she does “readings” for people.
So, whatever. I’ll try anything once.
SI go. She has crystals on the her coffee, and a burning piece of wood that adds a heady smell to her tiny living room, and a Tibetan singing bowl, and we meditate, and she takes my hands, and I cry immediately at this, because WHO takes anyone’s hands any more? Ever? No one.
A lot happens, but the most powerful thing is she addresses the walls that I clearly have, wherein I let people in, but not all the way, because I’ve been abandoned and have Issues. And how I take certain things as a matter of course instead of deeply feeling them. I’m uptight! Which is not how I feel, but yes, I do hold myself super centered and rigid, of course I do. I’m terrified of making mistakes.
And then she kind of was able to feel how I feel, and it made her cry. So then I cried because I made her cry, and later I apologised, and she said not to, that I was worth seeing fully, and she hugged me, and so now I’m in love. And maybe less of a skeptic – maybe and just a little – and working on relaxing, but I don’t even know how to do that.
So then I go to therapy, and my therapist is like YES. SEE? And a million things click together. Like how I’ve had to be my own parent, because I have had three parents THREE and they’ve all let me down, even though I talk to my dad now and he’s fine as long as I don’t expect anything from him. But then I’ve been hard on myself. Too strict.
So now to strike a balance, and be okay with crying which was NEVER an okay thing to do in front of my mother, so I learned to not do it ever, and I’m exhausted.