I laughed it off twice, but when the third troll email hit my inbox asking me if the reason Rob and I separated was because of some sort of lesbian relationship going on with Patrice and me, I figured it was worth a blog post, and a big “oh hell no”.

Not that she’s not fab, and totally hawt, but… yeah, no. Not in this lifetime.

I asked Patrice to weigh in on our scandal – we are both really excited to be involved in any sort of internet scandal, so we’re calling it a scandal BECAUSE WE CAN – and she said:

“Well, I’d date me! I’m fun and I like to ‘do it’! I also know all the words to Purple Rain.”

Well then. Gentlemen, she is all yours. I promise.

Have a happy, scandal-free weekend.

image by Peter Baker

According to the comments on this post, I am in good company with a whole bunch of self-poopers and pissers. You are all gross, but bold, so I like you. Thank you for the stories.

May we all go about un-soiled this weekend.

P.S. My keys were in my living room the whole time. They had fallen to the side of the couch, and all I needed to do to find them was vacuum. Am-ber.

There needs to be a special name for the nap that happens when you’re changing the sheets and you have to put the bottom sheet on the far corner of the bed, so you flop across the bed to tuck it in and then you just sort of lay there on the brand new, laundry-smelling sheet, and put your cheek against it, just for a minute because it feels so nice, and then you wake up two hours later.

It can’t be just me.

Happy weekend.

And so ends my twenties.

I can honestly say I didn’t see most of that coming.

Inspired by listening to Ryan Marshall and Jason Hudson talk at Blissdom, I started a tumblr account for Amber Marlow Photography. It is made up entirely of iPhone photos, specifically, all my favorites from my “theAmberShow” Instagram account. If you’re on tumblr, I’d love for you to follow along.

Happy weekend!

Merry Christmas, friends!

(can this guy play the shit out of a piano or what?!)

Have you seen Shit Girls Say? It was a Twitter feed first, and now it’s a webseries. Totally brilliant and “oh my god. so true!”

(I’m currently in bed with the stomach flu, so you may direct your love notes, sympathy and other funny things my way this week.)

Did you like my gift guides this year? I debated doing one, but was so inspired by everyone else’s that I had to put one together!

Apropos of nothing, I found this hilarious photo of my father in 1980 on Facebook. It is clear my goofy smile is inherited.

Happy weekend!

I try not to complain a lot, because LAME – I hate when people moan about dumb stuff. Also, there’s not a lot of things that annoy me; I’m mellow, and pretty much don’t care what other people do. However, there are a few things that, despite having no bearing on my life, make me smh. Here are some.

Toilet paper that goes under the roll, not over. If it’s like this at your house, I am going to turn it around while I’m in there, and you’re welcome.

Insisting that The Magician’s Nephew is the first book in the Chronicles of Narnia series. It is not.

Movie talkers. Ok, these kind of affect me, but if we’re being honest, it’s mostly just indignation. What really annoys me is the fact that 90% of the time, if someone’s yammering in a movie theater, they’re perpetrating a stereo-type. You know which one.

Leather jackets. I don’t get it. You’ve wrapped your torso in the skin of a dead cow. For why?!

People who listen to music through the speaker of their mobile phones in public. It sounds awful, and headphones are so inexpensive. And you’re being rude.

Smart phones at dinner. Check in on Foursquare, sure, then put it away or risk my irritation. (dun dun dun.)

Rude receptionists, and, while we’re at it, rude phlebotomists!

What bugs you? (And don’t say bloggers who cheat at NaBloPoMo by making quirky lists.)

“Oh! I wanted one of these, but then they went out of stock. Now they’re back!”

“So grab one! We’ll use it.”

“No, we don’t need it.”

“It’s seven dollars.”

“So? CLUTTER!”

He sighed, and put it in our cart, and that is why he is my favorite.