Maddie is one of those people I knew about because we have a bunch of close friends in common – for one, she’s the managing editor of A Practical Wedding (and a damn good photographer) – but I never got to sink my teeth into her properly until I went to California and Elizabeth and I drove down to see her. 
She and her husband rent a house on a horse ranch that has a huge field in the back.

I asked to take her photo for my Faces project, and then she wanted to take MY photo, too. Then we started doing our hair, and then she said, “do you want something more fun than a tee shirt to wear?” so I raided her closet and came out with a fantastic dress, and then we played with makeup before heading to the field behind her house. This is what happens when you put two photographers together in a California sunset.

A “production note”: Patrice was over while I was packing for this trip, and I held up my 50 mm lens before putting it in my suitcase. “I’m only bringing this and ONE camera!” I announced, and she laughed and said, “Wow, you’re REALLY going on vacation, huh?!” I usually want to pack two or three cameras and a few lenses when I go somewhere. It was a fun limitation to impose on myself, and all of my vacation shots are either with this lens or my iPhone.

**AmberMarlow.com**

niles hired me to take some professional shoots of him both in studio and outside, and of course, out of all the photos we took, we both loved the one i snapped just to get my focus right as we stepped outside best. he looks like a bad ass.

feb. 14 – I tried to talk my clients out of getting married on Valentine’s Day at City Hall, but it was the only time they could do it.

feb. 15+16 I spent Friday and Saturday wandering around trying my hand at street photography. It is not who I am, but my theory is that it is who I was. There aren’t photos taken by me at age seven to compare these to, but it’s a good guess that they would be very similar. I tried to remember the things that I noticed 23 years ago while walking around: boots that go two pair tan in the front, one pair black in the back (patterns have always fascinated me). Dogs have a special way of saying hello to each other. It is funny to play a board game outside.

Does that make sense, or do I sound like I’ve been drinking too much?

feb. 17 – I have the power vested in me by the City of New York to legally declare you married; on Sunday I conducted a secret wedding in Central Park. I’m not sure if their families know yet, so you can’t see their faces!

feb. 18 – I still haven’t taken down the pink background from New Years Eve, so when Ingrid swung by the studio in her turquoise tee, coral bracelet and pink lipstick, I had her pose against it for an 80′s-colored portrait. (Yes, dudes, she is single. She is also as amazing in person as she looks.)

feb. 19 – I utterly failed at taking a photo.

feb 8. – at the beginning of a snowstorm that would ultimately dump a foot of snow on Brooklyn, Matty and Leeloo left a charming maze of paw prints in our backyard.

feb. 9 – post-snowstorm brunch at home.

feb. 10 – a self-portrait. i’ve been known to seduce a man with this shoulder.

feb. 11 – heading home downtown on the 2.

feb. 12 – I’ve watched just about every year since… I don’t even know when.

feb. 13 – ok, maybe I’m cheating; this is a work photo. But I love it! The bride’s feet hurt, so I declared a pit stop mid-photos in a tiny bakery in the West Village. Being a photographer means taking care of people in a whole lot of ways you wouldn’t expect.

feb. 1 – a dessert fork (on top), shown with a regular dinner fork, as requested by miss tracey nolan

feb. 3 – a little stinker who wiggled last second and got my photo all blurry! i love it anyway.

feb. 5 – happy birthday, biana! we got a teeny chocolate cake at trois pommes patisserie in park slope, brooklyn.

feb. 5 – happy birthday, patrice! cake? nope. that’s a candle stuck in a strawberry, perched on the edge of a glass of processo.

feb. 6 – i’ve started incorporating late afternoon naps into my work day. it’s made me fitter, happier, and more productive. sometimes i watch tv on my laptop, though.

feb. 7 – laundry day. i usually have it washed by a service, but once a month, i do my top blanket myself to avoid a $7 surcharge.

{Keen observers will note that I skipped Saturday and Monday, and then took two photos on Tuesday, and thus cheated. Keen observers can suck it.}

one of my recent clients was quite bored with having his photo taken.

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to hire me, go to AmberMarlow.com

I’m struggling artistically so hard right now.

In life there are always a number of beanbags in the air, and part of my great mission to simplify is to make juggling them all a little bit easier for me. Very often I’ll think, “I am so fucking top of work right now!” and then realize that my dishes have stacked up and I am stirring my morning coffee with a dessert fork. Or my apartment is spotless, but I have half a dozen photo shoots to edit and deliver. Or I’m going out with friends or on dates regularly and having a great time but have forgotten to work out and gained weight from the eating and drinking.

Throughout this balance I’ve struggled with for the past year as I’m transitioning my life and settling loose ends, the one saving grace I’ve had is that my art was my art was my art. It never gave me trouble, improved steadily, and was always something I was really excited about. And now I’m unhappy with the way my photos are turning out, and it’s scaring me. They’re still GOOD; I know this, and I know all about that Ira Glass quote that I think will apply to me for a few more years still (sigh.), but it’s frustrating.

SO!

February is a photo a day challenge for me. Using my REAL camera, I’m going to produce one image at least that is non professional, every day, for the month of February, and I’ll be sharing them here among the regular posts, maybe a few days worth at a time.

It’s exciting! I haven’t taken a photo a day since February 2008 when I did a 30 Tiny Moments project. I’m hoping this will shake loose a cobweb in me and leave me feeling inspired.

Wish me luck! And happy February!

I photographed an elopement in Central Park a few weeks ago, and after, while I was taking photos of the guys, Rev. Annie Lawrence snapped these shots of me doing my thing. It is so, so, so weird to see what I look like while I shoot. Aparently I make a “dying bunny” face (look close at that first photo, and tell me you don’t see soon-to-be roadkill.) Also, I’ve never sat to snap a photo before – almost no one looks good when shot from below – but we were on an incline and it made sense.

When I was in high school, my dad once said to me, “You won’t need much by way of college, really. You’ll just get married.”

Right? That statement still runs through my brain sometimes and blows my mind.

Believe it or not, though, I lived with some watered-down, only slightly-more-liberated version of this vision of my life until a couple of years ago. I pursued things, but it was always until my “real life” of baby-having and mothering started. It’s been on my Life List for years, though, so in the back of my mind somewhere, I must have always known there was more in the cards for me.

Today, the “aw shucks” quiver has left my voice when I tell people “I’m a photographer”, but I still lay awake some nights staring into the darkness, wondering how life is supposed to go now that, for the first time, I’m totally independent of anyone else to support me.

What if I fuck up?

Yesterday I met a new client who lives in the neighborhood and needs help on a cool project. We met in my studio and talked for a while, but didn’t take any shots so I refused to let her pay me.

“I’ll buy you a drink then!” she said, so we went around the corner to talk some more, which turned into two drinks, girl talk, and a new neighborhood friend.

Two drinks at 3 pm left me a bit tipsy, and when I got home, I started fussing about my life to Gavin via IM, trying to figure out when I’ve “made it” and could cross this off my Life List. This is what he said to me, and (when I sobered up and read it again) I felt so at ease with where I am right now:

You can cross it off right now
Because you ARE doing something you love for a living
If you always chase some phantom idea of “better”, you’ll never be present and happy
You have a lot to be present and happy about.
You live in one of the greatest cities in the world and you are surrounded by cool people who inspire you and you get to do something awesome for a living, and you get better at it every single day.
You’ve already made it, Amber. Enjoy where it takes you, don’t obsess over where that “where” is.

Gavin, you’re the best, and I owe you a huge hug. (When I asked if I could quote him, he said yes, as long as I made him sound “wise and shit”.)

There are pockets of “But wait! I want to do this, this and THIS with my career, too!” in my life, but I suspect that they’re always going to be there in some form to keep me motivated (Related: will someone PLEASE elope to Paris and have me photograph it?!).

A look back to where I started shows I’ve come pretty far, though. People trust me. They trust me with their sweetest memories, they write me checks before seeing my final product, and they count on me to not make them feel foolish in front of the camera. It’s extraordinary and humbling, scary and wonderful… and it’s paying my rent.

I’m doing something I love for a living! Kermit Arm Flail!

From a recent elopement I photographed in Central Park. The bride is Lydia, who is a photographer as well, a fact I’ve been wrapping my heart around for weeks; a photographer hired me to shoot one of the most important days of her life. That’s something, you guys.

A very real part of being self-employed is having to force yourself to work through the parts where you don’t feel like working, which, for me, has been this entire week. There have been walls popping up all over the place for me, and even though I’m honestly working myself to the bone, it’s been frustrating. Despite every re-pinned, creatively font-ed sentiment on Pinterest saying some version of “If you show up and you do the work, you’ll be successful.” I wonder if I can actually do this. (My nervousness stems from the fact that despite a bustling August, my September is looking a little empty.)

A quick look around me at the people I am acquainted with, however, shows that making a living doing something creative and amazing is not only totally possible, it’s de rigueur in the crew I’m lucky enough to call my friends. Like Emily; she makes her living hosting brunches at midnight. So maybe this is just a bad week for me, despite it’s shining highlight: I finally cracked the front page of Google when you search for “New York City elopement photographer” and “eloping in New York City”. (I’m also pretty proud of this wedding, posted today.)

I’m ending this week feeling nervous about my career choices but still determined to slog through.

It’s got to get better, right?