My only worry was how much they’d grow my ass, but according to Kimberly Daniels of the 700 Club, your Halloween Butterfinger has a secret ingredient much scarier than empty calories: demons!

The article was since taken down off the 700 Club’s website after stirring up more chuckles then contrition, but you can read it in it’s entirety here on the Christian Magazine “Charisma”.

Highlights:

“I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.”

There’s demons in that thar candy! I wonder how long you have to wait after Halloween to make sure the supply is safe again?  Do you shop with a Gauss Master?   What happens if you have a possessed Hershey bar, but then you melt it?  Are the demons in a fun-size Snickers bar less scary than than the ones in full-size?  So many questions!

“When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. They have no respect for the church grounds. They respect only the sacrifice and do not care if it comes from believers or non-believers.  Gathering around bonfires is a common practice in pagan worship. As I remember, the bonfires that I attended during homecoming week when I was in high school were always in the fall. I am amazed at how we ignorantly participate in pagan, occult rituals.”

Bon fires, the most wholesome activity I can think of, are satanic.  So are those pumpkin decorations on your front lawn.  Better to smash them.

She ends her ridiculous rant with the oft quoted, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!” and invites readers to join her.  Mmmm, thanks but no thanks.  As for me and my house, we will use logic and reason.

Happy Halloween!